


I used to live alone before I knew you

by redmorningstar



Series: lonely kids in space [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Domestic, Emotional Sex, F/M, First Time, Force Bond (Star Wars), Intimacy, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, lonely kids in space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 21:48:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13350192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redmorningstar/pseuds/redmorningstar
Summary: Ben had starved himself of many things during his time with the First Order. They had seemed trivial and unimportant in the face of everything he hoped to achieve.  Rey teaches him otherwise.---Where coming together was the easy part, but healing each other is harder.





	I used to live alone before I knew you

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been a part of a mainstream fandom in the longest time, but so far the Reylo community has been so lovely, full of wonderful writing, art, and ideas. I'm honestly having the best time. Against all odds, I wrote another thing about these kids. It seems that in the space I created for them in my head, they still have stories to tell. I'm actually a little bit proud of this story - I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Title from the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. Self-edited.

Ben woke up from the deepest sleep he had experienced for some time. He had spent so much of his time with the First Order going from starship to starship that he couldn't remember the last time he had spent a night on ground; the silence felt deafening without the constant hum of the ship in the background.

He sat up in an empty bed. Ben had fallen asleep with his arms around Rey last night and the imprint of her was still there in the pillow beside him. Listening closely, he could hear movement in the kitchen area. He focused his attention on their bond and tried to sense what she was doing. Rey was ... slicing a red fruit into rough pieces and trying in vain to arrange it on the plate in a pleasing way. She sighed; it wasn't working out.

Ben got up and went to the washroom. As he cleaned up, he thought back to all that had happened. Rey had sought a different fate for them. She had called out to him and he could not have refused, even had he wanted to. And now here he was, on an anonymous planet in the Outer Rim, no longer the Supreme Leader of the First Order; it was like something from a dream. Ben had never trusted such things before and even with this, he wondered how long it could possibly last. He _hoped_ that it could last.

When he came out of the washroom, Rey was there. She held out a bundle of clothes to him.

“I bought you some clothes while I was out. It didn’t look like you brought any with you and I thought it might make it harder for people to recognise you,” she explained, looking faintly embarrassed, though he couldn’t understand why. Ben looked at the stack of folded clothes, all black and grey.

“Thank you,” he said and took them from her. When Rey left the room, he took off the rest of his suit. Sitting in the corner was his heavy coat, belt, and arm guards that he had removed last night. All were designed to protect him in battle. Ben wasn’t certain that he would never have need of them again but, at least for now, the fighting seemed far away. When he touched the shirt Rey had bought for him he felt a brief echo of her thoughts as she had touched it the first time, sensing her careful consideration as she had tried her best to find something he would like. He huffed a laugh at the unexpectedly sweet gesture and changed quickly, pulling on layers to keep in the warm on the snowy planet.

Rey was sitting at the kitchen table when Ben came out. She stared at him wearing the clothes she had picked out, colouring slightly, then quickly focused her attention back on her breakfast. Ben sat down opposite and for a moment he simply watched her as Rey ate in quick efficient bites, tearing at the bread with her fingers and draining mouthfuls of tea in between. He looked at the food spread on the table and didn’t know where to start.

“Try the Muja fruit,” she suggested, seeing his hesitation, “it’s delicious.” He picked at a piece of the red fruit and put it in his mouth. The intense sweetness was unlike anything he had tasted for years. Though he schooled his expression, she must have sensed his shock through their bond because she gave him a strange look.

“Do you not like it?” Ben tried to think of the words to explain.

“It’s not that,” he said, slowly, “I’m just unused to eating fresh food. When I was aboard the Finalizer, I never had any reason to. Nutrient drinks were enough to sustain me.” Rey wrinkled her nose at him.

“What’s a nutrient drink?”

“It’s a formula drink developed to provide all necessary nutrients without the time and effort of eating a meal.”

“That sounds horrible,” Rey said around a mouthful of fruit. Ben … had honestly never noticed. During his time with the First Order, food was simply fuel so his body could function. Anything more had just seemed like a waste of time. Now eating the fruit Rey had bought, bursting with tart sweetness, he couldn't remember why he ever thought that. It seemed he had starved himself of many things during that time. He could feel her curiosity about it. Rey was wondering what his life had been like, before.

He answered her unspoken question: “I can show you, if you like.” Across the table, Ben reached out his hand. Rey considered it for a moment, then reached out and held it.

Ben brought her into his memories. The rough walls of the hut faded away until they sat at the table in his room aboard the _Finalizer_. He had always taken his meals alone on the ship; the less he interacted with others, the better. Rey glanced at the room’s featureless walls and the spartan furniture, quietly taking in the barrenness of it all. It was strange to see her there, in the place that had been his alone. Strange, but not unpleasant.

Rey pressed deeper into his memories, searching for something; he let her look. The mess hall at the Jedi Academy appeared around them. Ben sat with friends, the padawans who would one day become the Knights of Ren, but back then, they were simply children, laughing and joking as they ate. Luke was an imposing figure in the room, always watching him, scrutinizing him. The food was simple fare, but he never paid it much mind, always distracted by Luke’s gaze that was ever present like an itch at the back of his mind.

Beyond that, the memory was hazier and they reached a vision he had not revisited for some time: his mother, his father, and himself seated at a dinner table too grand for three people. There was light and love there, but when his parents looked at it each other, it was like they were the only two people in the room. Ben felt a phantom ache as he looked at his younger self; back then he had resented it and, at the same time, envied it. Rey watched the scene, expression unreadable, before eventually letting his parents fade from view.

By contrast, Rey showed him this: during her time with the Resistance she often ate in the mess hall. Mealtimes that were loud with the sound of conversation and clattering cutlery, much louder than she was used to. Poe and Finn often told stories - it was easy to laugh and feel a part of something greater at those times. Ben felt a pang of foolish jealousy at the two of them who had received Rey’s smiles, but he did not dwell on it; for now, she had chosen _him_.

The din around them faded away and another slowly came into focus, almost reluctant. Rey showed him her treasured memory: the single meal she shared with Han Solo on Takodana. For a moment they both watched the man in silence as Ben looked at the face he both despised and loved.

“I liked your father,” she said at last.

“I know you did,” he replied.

The scene faded away, bittersweet. Lastly, Rey showed him Jakku. There weren’t many memorable meals there. Eating was about survival, hoarding what few portions she could afford while waiting out the days. Ben stooped in the low space of her scavenged home and noticed her ragged doll, the wilted flowers, the uncountable marks on the walls. She had tried to make a home out in the desolation without a soul for miles; if she hadn’t tried, she probably would have gone insane.

At last, they opened their eyes. They were back, sitting at the small round table in the kitchen and for a long moment they simply regarded each other in silence. Ben didn’t mind showing her the past if only to see how far he had come, to remind himself that things were no longer that way and would never be that way again.

Rey gave him a small private smile. Then she pointed at the bread in his hand and asked: “Are you going to eat that?” She could eat most of the food on the table and still be voracious, it seemed. He gave it to her.

After breakfast, they cleaned up. The space they had was small and they danced around each other awkwardly as they moved from room to room. It was strange, being together after being apart for so long. Ben was distracted by the oddest things. Her scent in the air. Her thin wrists and callused hands. The sound of her bare feet padding about the rooms. The curve of her neck and the mole under her right ear. He wanted to put his mouth there, feel her sharp intake of breath, feel her pulse quicken. He wanted to _touch_ her again, badly.

Rey dropped a plate, flustered. “Sorry,” she said. She didn’t meet his eyes. Ben touched her chin, tipping her face towards him. There was a faint flush on her cheeks, but when her eyes met his they were clear and bright. He let his fingers glide along her jaw and slide down to rest against her neck; there he could feel her hammering pulse. He brushed his lips against the corner of her mouth, lingering. Rey sighed, eyes closing, and leaned into him. There was heat there; he felt it too, of course he did. But like food and sleep, this was another aspect of his body he had ignored for years. It felt dangerous in an entirely new way, one he had never prepared for. 

Ben stepped back and the spell was broken. He didn’t want to hurt her or to give her a reason to go away from him. Rey looked at him with wide hazel eyes, questioning. Ben turned away; he didn’t know the answer to the question there. 

-

Ben didn't stop training. Even without a war to fight, he knew it was necessary to remain sharp, to become stronger; when the First Order eventually came for them, he would need it. Outside in the forest and away from prying eyes, Ben let his body follow the movements and found a peace he had long forgotten in his training. Distantly, he could sense Rey was watching him, curiosity and admiration in her gaze.

“Could you teach me to fight like you do?” she asked, after he had finished practicing the lightsaber patterns. Ben turned to face her. It hadn’t been his plan to train her, but if she wanted to learn he could build on what Luke had taught her, filling in the gaps where he could.

“What forms did Luke teach you?” he asked. Rey blushed.

“He didn’t teach me any.” Ben gave her a skeptical look.

“You found the map to Luke Skywalker, travelled light-years to train with him, and he taught you none of the forms.”

“He didn’t really want to teach me,” she admitted. Ben couldn’t understand it. The first time he had felt her power, unbridled and stronger than any other, he had _wanted_ to teach her how to shape the Force. That Luke Skywalker could look at her and refuse was unimaginable.

Rey was looking at him hopefully. “All right, I’ll teach you,” he acquiesced. Her answering smile was brilliant and blinding; he tried to commit the curve of it to memory for later. He handed her the training sword he had been using. “Let’s start with the first form: Shii-Cho.”

Ben demonstrated the basic movements and steps. Rey followed him slowly, her stance was already a warrior’s stance; he knew instantly that she would pick the first form up quickly once she knew the patterns. Ben was curious about the life she had lived before. The snippets he had seen showed him a hard and lonely existence. Her start had been so different to his own and yet, when they had connected across the galaxy with the Force, he had felt they were the same.

“Where did you learn to fight? You had never held a lightsaber before and yet you knew how to wield it.” Ben had wasted countless hours pondering this, the thought both intriguing and infuriating him after their duel in the forest.

“I taught myself how to fight with a quarterstaff on Jakku. It was the only way to defend myself. Unkar Plutt had a network of scavengers and I was only one of them. If you made him angry or he just didn’t like you, he’d send his thugs after you.” He could feel her anger and resentment at the mention of her former employer’s name, the alien she had been sold to by her parents. He knew that anger well.

“We could go back to Jakku and you could take your revenge on Unkar Plutt. I could help you.” Rey frowned at him.

“No, it wouldn’t be right,” she said.

“Why? He made your life a living hell. Death would be nothing less than he deserves.” He felt the sharp spike of her temper, but he didn’t understand it. “Why does the idea upset you? You’ve killed before.”

“Yes, to defend myself,” she bit out.

“It bothers you, doesn’t it? I can see it, you still remember the first stormtrooper you killed on Takodana.”

“I’m not like you. I don’t enjoy killing,”

“I only kill when I deem it necessary,” he replied. Rey whirled to look at him incredulously.

“Necessary! When you ordered your stormtroopers to kill everyone in Tuanal, was _that_ necessary?” She was very angry now; Ben could feel himself responding in kind. He drew himself up to his full height and stood over her, but she would not be intimidated.

“They housed a traitor and aided the Resistance. They chose their side of the war.”

“They weren't soldiers! They were just people and your stormtroopers _murdered_ them!”

“Tell me, should I have let them go? The ones who sought to undermine me? My _enemies_? Tell me what I should have done.” 

Rey looked at him with defiance and said, “You should have shown them mercy.”

 _Mercy_. Ben tried to imagine it. Asking Captain Phasma to let the villagers go. Her puzzled acquiescence. She would report it back to Hux, who would inevitably goad him, but that would not be the worst of it, not by far. When Snoke found out that he had spared the villagers, Ben would not have escaped unscathed. Maybe he should have borne it anyway. Looking at Rey’s face filled with determination, he knew that she would have. But the man he had been then did not have her courage or strength. He felt tired suddenly, drained of his anger and power. 

“Perhaps you are right,” he said at last. Rey looked at him, into the heart of him, and her gaze softened.

At last she said, “Our pasts brought us here. They would still exist, even if we burned it all to ash. We can’t change it now.” Ben had come to accept this stinging bitter truth. Killing the past had never brought him peace or strength; it had only ever weakened him. Only here, far away from the ghosts of his past, could he consider living anew. With her by his side, he thought that he could _try_.

Rey closed her eyes briefly and drew a deep breath. After a moment he felt her anger recede, and she lifted the training saber once more.

“Could you show me the patterns again?”

-

Ben woke up in cold sweat, heart racing. The violence that had felt so real slowly faded from his vision and he was back on the quiet snowy planet staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. He looked at Rey sleeping beside him, huddled tightly in the blankets for warmth. She was a light sleeper, a remnant from her time on Jakku where the slightest sound in the quiet night might have meant her doom, but thankfully her face was still with sleep. He didn’t want to disturb her. Careful as not to wake her, he got out of the bed and went to the other room. There he roused the smoldering embers of the fire to life again. Watching the flames, he tried to control his breathing and calm his emotions, but they twisted and roiled in his mind.

Ben had always had nightmares, ever since he was a young child. Night terrors, the healers had said. Now of course he knew that it had been Snoke’s influence intervening in his life from the very beginning, laying the foundations for the child he would one day teach and control. They had lessened in adulthood, mostly because Ben found he could avoid them by eschewing sleep or running himself ragged until he collapsed from exhaustion. It _was_ true that he slept better here, something in the quiet and about being with her that made it easier to let go. That said, it didn’t mean the nightmares were gone; sleep had never felt safe to him and it would take more than Rey’s presence to change that.

“What did you dream about?” He looked up and Rey was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She walked over and sat down next to him by the fire, trailing the blankets she had bundled herself up in from the bed. Ben contemplated lying or not saying anything at all, but realised there would be little point to that. This nightmare would not be the last and she would see it, sooner or later.

“Snoke,” he said, at last, “I dreamed that I failed to kill him and that he found us. He killed you first and made me watch. Then he tortured me until I woke up.” The worst was her scream; he would never be able to forget it.

“It’s not real. When the time came, you defeated him. You saved me.” The touch of her hand on his brought him back into the present. Ben sighed at his own weakness.

“I know. You don’t need to comfort me.” Rey knocked her shoulder against his gently. When he looked, she was smiling at him and he felt a surge of affection for her. Somehow, impossibly, she had come to care for him. And he … he could no longer imagine being without her.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I just came out here for the fire.” He huffed a laugh.

“Is that so? Then let me warm you.”

With wide eyes, Rey watched him unwrap the blanket from her shoulders and settled it around the both of them. Ben pulled her towards him, shifting until she sat between his legs, her side against his chest and his arms around her waist. 

“Better?” he asked, lips moving where they pressed against her neck. He heard her sharp intake of breath, just as he had imagined.

“Yes,” she said, slightly breathless. Her fingers carded through his hair, awkward but tender. From here, he could tuck his face into the curve between her shoulder and neck, the space at her nape where her smell was strongest. Ben closed his eyes. Perhaps he could sleep peacefully like this, wrapped around her with only her scent and touch filling his senses. He sighed and felt her skin gooseflesh in response. He sensed it again, a flash of heat in her mind. If he started touching her this time, he didn’t think he would be able to stop.

Ben let her go, putting space between them reluctantly. Rey blinked at him, suddenly bereft and cold.

“You should go back to sleep, Rey,” he said softly.

“Are _you_ coming back to bed?” she asked.

“I want to meditate first. I’ll dream again otherwise.” Rey hesitated but after a moment she left, leaving him sitting by the fire alone again. Ben stared into the flames, trying not to miss the feeling of her in his arms. The look of disappointment on her face was better than the alternative.

-

On their icy planet there were mountains and forests in every direction as far as the eye could see, all covered in a perpetual layer of snow and ice. Their own hut was a ways outside of the village itself, which made them far enough for solitude and rumour. Rey was a being of wanderlust and so they had taken to exploring the surrounds of their little village in their time. Every time she ventured out, she would expand their map a little more; Ben joined her more often than not, if only to feel her pure joy at each new discovery.

Today they they had picked a path to the top of the hill overlooking the village. For a long moment they sat there, neither saying much, until the sun began to set and the stars began to wink into existence overhead. Rey was looking up at the stars, gaze distant, and Ben was looking at her face. There was something nostalgic and wistful in her expression.

“You miss them,” he said. Ben thought of her memory in the mess hall and how easy her laughter and smiles had been then.

“Of course. They’re my friends; the first friends I’ve ever had. Of course I miss them.” Rey paused. “They’re probably angry with me for leaving. I left a note, but I didn’t think they would understand-” she gestured between them vaguely, “-this.” Ben understood; he wasn’t sure that there _were_ words to encompassed everything they were to one another.

“Is there nobody you miss?” she asked him curiously.

“Is that a joke?”

“Come on. There must have been _someone_ in the First Order that you liked, right?” Ben thought of his knights, the six who had joined him all those years ago. For a long time he had been their leader and had relied on them to help fulfil his purpose. But that wasn’t what she was talking about, it wasn’t affection or trust or friendship, they had simply been aligned in their pursuit of power. At any rate, he was a traitor now; he expected they were scouring the galaxy for them right this moment.

“No one who wouldn’t want to see me dead now,” Ben said finally.

“Oh.” Another pause, and then carefully, “do you miss your mother?” It still stung to think of her. The feelings he had for his mother had never been simple. She had been the first to sense the rising darkness in him and she had been the first to send him away.

“Our relationship isn’t like that. Even before I joined the First Order, I had not seen her for years. The woman I knew is a distant memory now.” 

“But she’s still your mother. She’s _alive_ and … you could see her if you wanted.”

“No,” he said with certainty, “after all that has happened, I know there is nothing to be gained from that.” Ben could tell by the stubborn set of her mouth that she thought he was wrong. Rey had never grown up with a family after all and to willingly be apart must have been a foreign idea to her. In the Resistance, she had been surrounded by friends who cared for her and loved her. Of course they did, she drew people to her, just as Ben had been drawn. She missed them and wanted to see them. Simple. Ben looked at her and wondered if he could ever be enough for her.

“Come on. Let’s get back before the light disappears entirely,” he said. Ben reached out and took her hand in his; he didn’t know how many opportunities left he would have to do this.

Rey said softly, “I know she loves you, Ben. I’ve felt it. Maybe one day you’ll let yourself feel it, too.”

Ben didn’t answer; there was nothing to say. He only knew how to burn the bridges behind him, not how to mend them.

-

Their lives began to form a routine. Mornings after breakfast were dedicated to lightsaber combat. Ben would teach her the forms and patterns, and afterwards they would spar, usually with practice swords. As Rey grew more experienced, they would occasionally spar with their lightsabers. It was the only way to truly test their control over their crystals, to fight with the energy of the blade but never enough to harm the other.

Rey was picking up the Jedi forms quicker than he had ever seen. No one at the Academy, not even his knights, had learned it as fast as she was doing right in front of his eyes.

“I don’t understand how you pick it up so quickly. You haven’t had even a fraction of the training of any other Force sensitives I’ve known. You had no resources, no opportunities, and yet here you are. The fact that you are even alive, much less here with me, is...”

“What?” she snapped.

Ben could feel her anger rising; he had hurt her again. He hadn’t meant to, he just didn’t know the right words. Ben could see it wasn’t just her talent; it was her tenacity and stubbornness, too. Rey _pushed_ herself to learn quickly because on Jakku that was how she survived in the deserts alone, when so many others had died. That this scavenger girl would live and awaken her powers to become one of the most powerful beings in the universe defied belief.

“You’re a miracle,” he said, because there was no other way to describe it. Rey went still, a stunned expression on her face. Ben had shaken her with his words somehow, shaken her to the core. He didn’t know how that could be. How could she not know? Didn’t she realise that her very existence was a cosmic miracle?

Rey let the lightsaber go dark and she went to him. His arms went around her automatically and he could feel her trembling. For a long moment, Ben simply held her, lips pressed to her temple until she stopped shaking. Eventually she lifted her head from his chest and kissed him, deeply and desperately. Ben felt something pouring into him from her, vast and overwhelming. Now it was his turn to feel shaken. Her touch was opening something up inside both of them until soon there would be nothing left to hide. He broke the kiss and tried to put distance between them, but Rey held him fast in her arms.

“Ben,” she said, and he stopped. Rey looked into his eyes searchingly. “I _feel_ the conflict in you. Every time you touch me, there’s something there, but then you pull away again.” She paused and then asked, “Are you afraid?”

“Yes,” he said, softly.

“Why?”

“Because I won’t be able to hide anything from you, even the parts of me I want to protect you from. Because we will be different afterwards. We will be something new and I don’t know what that will be.” Ben regarded her with puzzlement. “Why aren’t _you_ afraid? You should be.” Her eyes were clear and sure, without a trace of doubt. He always envied that about her.

“I’m not afraid because I know that we will become what we were meant to be.” Quietly, Rey took his hand in hers. “Do you believe in me?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Then don’t run away from me.” Ben couldn’t remain resolved anymore. He felt flayed, open wide; any part of him was hers for the taking. Without a word, Rey began walking back to the hut and he followed. She didn’t let go of his hand for even a moment, as if he might vanish if she stopped touching him.

When they reached home, Rey led him to the room they shared. Once there, she drew him to her and held him close. Ben could feel her heart beating hard in her chest, matching his own. When they kissed again, he could feel the force of her presence, persistent, unable to be ignored. He let his hand tangle in her hair, kissed her deeper, and let himself have this. When they paused for breath, Rey led him to the bed and drew him to lay down with her. He sensed the intent in her thoughts, the heat there mirroring his own, and he was undone. Ben pressed his mouth along her collarbone, scrapped his teeth against the column of her throat. Her fingers curled and dug into his back and when they kissed again he felt the sharp press of her teeth; he wasn’t the only hungry one. Her hands were pulling at the collar of his shirt, insistent.

“Take this off,” she murmured. Rey's eyes were dark and glittering starlight as they gazed at him; there was nothing in him that could refuse her. Jacket, shirt, trousers -- he removed his clothing piece by piece until he lay before her, naked and wanting.

Ben had been careful until now to hide this from her. His body was a map of scars, a warrior’s body that had been torn apart and put back together again; every scar was a burden Ben carried with him and after tonight, she would know them all too. Rey ran her fingers over each of the faint lines, ever the explorer. The scar from the bowcaster shot was the worst, deep and ugly. When she touched it, he could not hide his sharp spike of self-disgust. She didn’t probe further; they both knew that it wasn’t within her power to forgive him for that.

Instead Rey put her mouth on the scar on his shoulder, the one she had put there. It felt like a blessing, a benediction; the scar was no longer a sign of weakness, but her mark on him, one he would wear proudly. Ben wanted to claim her for his own, to hold her and have her and never let her out of his sight. He wanted to feel her skin, feel the heat of the flush he could see on her cheeks. He wanted her to come apart in his hands just as he was being unravelled by her. Ben touched the hem of her shift and helped her pull it over her head, revealing the line of her throat, the slope of her stomach, the arch of her back. He let his hands run over every inch of her skin he could see. When he placed his hand over her breast and brushed his thumb over her nipple, Rey shivered. Entranced, he put his mouth there instead. He felt her breath catch, her fingers sink into his hair and tug.

From there he moved, kissing her stomach, her muscles quivering at the touch, before moving lower and lower until he could settled between her legs. With his fingers, he stroked her for the first time, feeling the wetness of her sex. Rey gasped, her whole body reacting to his unstudied touch. When he brought his fingers to his mouth the taste of her was sharp and salty. It made his belly feel tight with a desire; he wanted more. Ben pressed his face between her legs and licked into her, chasing her taste with his tongue. She moaned and writhed, hands fisting in the sheets as he explored her with a greed as deep as the ocean. Above him, she was saying his name like a litany. Ben wanted her voice, her hands, her mouth -- everything. He slipped a finger inside, stroking her, and then another.

“Ben,” Rey gasped and arched into his mouth, shuddering as his fingers curled deep inside her. After a moment, her hands were in his hair again and he let her pull him away. Her face was flushed and she was trembling slightly; he had never seen anything so beautiful. Rey pulled him towards her and kissed him, licking her taste from his mouth.

At the first touch of her fingers on him, Ben started, hissing through his teeth. Now that she was touching him, he realised how painfully hard he was. Her fingers were torturous as they stroked him, tentatively at first, then with more confidence; he could do nothing but turn his face into the pillows, gasping.

When she stopped at last, he felt like he could breathe again. Rey pushed him until he lay on his back and then she was over him, legs straddling his hips, her eyes meeting with his. She held him with her hand and guided him to her entrance before slowly lowering her hips and taking him inside her. He held as still as he could stand, letting her sink down inch by slow inch until at last her hips were flush with his. For a moment they were both still.

Finally Rey began to move, rocking her hips to take him deeper inside, and they both cried out. His arms went around her, holding him to her as he thrust up in response, matching the rhythm of her movements. Ben could feel everywhere they were connected, every inch of skin that touched. His mind was open to her and he could not hide a single thing; it was too much and not enough at the same time. They moved together as one, their senses mingled, each thrust causing bright electric sparks of pleasure in their minds.

Ben could not hold on any longer; he didn’t _want_ to. He shuddered, hips stuttering, and lost himself to her. Rey gasped, her body clenching around him, and followed. They came and the world around them _shivered_.

Ben felt a moment of perfect quiet and balance, their consciousness blending completely, becoming one, becoming something entirely different. He was inside her and she was inside him; there was the darkness and the light. Their deepest fears, yes, but underneath all that... a love so vast he could not see the bottom of it. They were a part of each other now, it was etched into their bones and spirit; they would never be the same again.

Slowly, reluctantly, they became separate once more. His face was wet, with her tears or his own, he didn’t know. Perhaps it did not matter. Rey was laying by his side, her face buried in his shoulder, hidden. She said something softly, too quiet for him to hear.

“Rey?” Ben asked, concerned. She lifted her head to look at him.

“I’m not leaving, Ben,” she said, urgently. Rey touched her fingertips to his cheek, desperate for him to understand. “I’m not leaving you.”

Ever since arriving here, Ben had been waiting for this to end. It was only a matter of time until she would see whatever was dark and unforgivable in him, and then inevitably she would leave, as all the others had. He had never expected her to stay and yet here she was, after everything, still looking at him like he was _beloved_.

Ben took her hand and brought it to his mouth, an acceptance. “I know,” he said, and for the first time, he believed it.


End file.
